"How do you know that the earth isn't some other planet's hell?"
Aldous Huxley
A boatman will be waiting for you on the beach.
Be there by noon.
Or the gates will be closed to you forever.
Latecomers get sent to Hell. Yours, Guardian Angel
THE AFTERLIFE BUREAU
– Excuse me! Where do you think you are going?
– Uh... I was just…
– When did you pass away?
– A while back. – Over 40 days ago?
Have you signed in yet? What’s your name?
– Yekunin. – Yakunin...
– No match found.
Are you headed to Heaven?
– Yes, I am.
– Just a minute then. Fill in the form on that table, and bring it back to me.
– Look, I don’t have time, there's someone waiting for me!
– You should have come earlier then. How did you die?
– In a road accident.
– Could you be more specific?
– I was on a bus that fell in a river.
– OK, that's fine. Put that down.
(mutters) Right... Had no other gods before thee.
OK... Did not worship idols...
Did not take the Name of the Lord in vain...
Remembered the Sabbath...
Didn't commit adultery... Didn't steal ...
– Your Certificate of Non-Suicidality, please.
– Certificate of what?
– A certificate attesting you didn’t take your own life.
– I drowned in a river!
– Whether you drowned or got trampled by a rhino
you're still not getting in without a certificate.
Do you have one?
If not, I can issue one for you here.
– Fine, just be quick about it.
– I'll need your Birth Certificate, Death Certificate,
autopsy and Taxpayer Identification Number.
– My TIN? Why?
– Look, the fewer questions you ask,
the quicker I can get your documents finished.
Afterlife Bureau, Senior Clerk Valentina. How may I help you?
Yes.
Jesus! What is it with doctors’ handwriting? I can't read this!
No, I can’t help you. Anyone in the military including people
who fought in WW2 must appear before a special committee.
Yes, you have to fill out a form.
Why wouldn’t you need a form, sir?
Where did you serve? Right...
And you must have killed a lot of Nazis, right?
What does the Bible say? "Thou shalt not kill!"
How can I know if it was to protect your country?
Get a form from reception,
go up to the fourth floor, room 305
and they’ll look at your entire case – who you killed, under what circumstances...
Those are the rules – there's nothing I can do!
Listen, I get you’d have preferred to die on the battlefield
rather than in a car crash, but even if you'd died in the war,
they still wouldn’t let you into Heaven
as you haven’t met all the necessary requirements.
This isn’t Valhalla, we shut that down centuries ago!
– Look, I'm sorry to rush you, but could you hurry it up, I'm extremely late.
– 5 rubles for the certificate and you're free to go.
– 5 rubles? I’m dead for crying out loud!
– Oh, don't be so dramatic! (on the phone) And you too!
Yep.
It's fine, you can pay later.
– So I can go now?
– Yes, yes...
There’s no need to shout, sir. I can hear you perfectly well.
How many people were on the bus you were driving?
Right. And did they all drown?
You don’t know.
I need to make sure that nobody has cursed you
or wished you to burn in Hell, et cetera.
Yes.
Even if such a thought hasn't been vocalized,
you won't be able to obtain your Heaven Permit.
Yes.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, the person
who makes the curse isn't allowed in either.
So both of you would end up in Hell together.
Forget something?
– Never mind.
– Hold on one moment.
Excuse me!
Hold on, Yakunin. I've forgotten to take your cross.
Simon, wait another minute, please.
I forgot to take his cross.
Hang on, this isn’t an Orthodox cross!
– No, it’s Catholic.
– Why is it Catholic?
– Uh... because I’m a Catholic!
– Oh dear...
You’ve come to the wrong place.
The Afterlife Bureau for Catholics is further up the beach.
I can’t let you in with this form.
Catholics have an entirely different form to fill in.
– Another form?!
Look, I’m the most devout person to have ever
set foot in this bureaucratic purgatory!
I lived my short and insignificant life as a proper Christian.
I went to church every weekend,
I never offered bribes to anyone.
I never raised a hand to my wife, yet they managed
to mess up the numbers in my passport three times,
so I ended up dying in a crummy bus
on the way to the passport office, so you know what?
You can shove all your certificates up your ass!
I’m going to Heaven without a single form! Just watch me!
– Nicholas, can you hear me?
– Yes.
– Wonderful. I'm Dmitry, your doctor.
You've survived clinical death and have been in a coma for 40 days.
Do you remember what happened to you?
– The driver, that son of a bitch...
– Yes, that’s right. Now, I’m pleased to say you’re doing well
and you’ve clearly got a strong will to live.
It’s just we couldn’t find any ID on you.
No passport or pension card. Just an expired insurance policy.
Did you have any documents with you at the time of the accident?
– I gave them all to Valentina.
I thought I’d died...
They made me deal with all this paperwork, forms...
They wouldn’t let me into Heaven without a certificate.
– Who wouldn’t? St.Peter?
– St.Peter? No...
Valentina!
– Who’s Valentina?
– I’m Valentina, Senior Clerk at the Afterlife Bureau.
Have you resuscitated him?
– Yes.
– Very good.
Nicholas,
given your death was not biological
I’ve had to revoke your application for a Heaven Permit.
Since you’ve already been through the registration process,
you'll need to submit a waiver.
Form No.ORPL-2.
You also need to submit two copies
of your medical test results
and pay a fee of 240 rubles,
payable at any bank, for the services you’ve received.
Then bring the receipt with a notarised
invalid death certificate
to our office by 12 p.m.
Unfortunately, it’s too late for you to enter Heaven
as 10 minutes ago the gates closed permanently,
but your case will be automatically transferred
to the offices of Beelzebul & Sons at midday tomorrow
after which the Apocalypse will begin.
If you have any questions about passing
any of the nine circles of purgatory – here’s my business card.
Goodbye for now!
– The Apocalypse?
So we’re all going to die tomorrow?
Do you think they'll let you in with an expired insurance policy?
Directed by Ilya Shudegov
Camera Ilya Shudegov
Written by Ilya Shudegov
Sound Nikolai Kozhevnikov Anna Alekseeva
Produced by Anna Mal'shakova
Assistant Director Anna Semushina
Starring
Sergei Safronov
Polina Pyatkina
Ilya Shudegov
Victor Matyutin
Translated by Zac Cohan, Daniil Vasilyev, Chiara Paula Sandifer and Ekaterina Morilova © 2020