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"How do you know that the earth isn't some other planet's hell?"
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Aldous Huxley
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A boatman will be waiting for you on the beach.
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Be there by noon.
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Or the gates will be closed to you forever.
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Latecomers get sent to Hell.
Yours, Guardian Angel
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THE AFTERLIFE BUREAU
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– Excuse me! Where do you think you are going?
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– Uh... I was just…
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– When did you pass away?
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– A while back.
– Over 40 days ago?
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Have you signed in yet? What’s your name?
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– Yekunin.
– Yakunin...
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– No match found.
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Are you headed to Heaven?
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– Yes, I am.
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– Just a minute then. Fill in the form on that table, and bring it back to me.
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– Look, I don’t have time, there's someone waiting for me!
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– You should have come earlier then. How did you die?
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– In a road accident.
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– Could you be more specific?
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– I was on a bus that fell in a river.
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– OK, that's fine. Put that down.
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(mutters) Right... Had no other gods before thee.
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OK... Did not worship idols...
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Did not take the Name of the Lord in vain...
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Remembered the Sabbath...
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Didn't commit adultery... Didn't steal ...
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– Your Certificate of Non-Suicidality, please.
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– Certificate of what?
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– A certificate attesting you didn’t take your own life.
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– I drowned in a river!
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– Whether you drowned or got trampled by a rhino
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you're still not getting in without a certificate.
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Do you have one?
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If not, I can issue one for you here.
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– Fine, just be quick about it.
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– I'll need your Birth Certificate, Death Certificate,
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autopsy and Taxpayer Identification Number.
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– My TIN? Why?
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– Look, the fewer questions you ask,
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the quicker I can get your documents finished.
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Afterlife Bureau, Senior Clerk Valentina. How may I help you?
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Yes.
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Yes.
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Yes.
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Jesus! What is it with doctors’ handwriting? I can't read this!
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No, I can’t help you. Anyone in the military including people
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who fought in WW2 must appear before a special committee.
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Yes, you have to fill out a form.
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Why wouldn’t you need a form, sir?
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Where did you serve? Right...
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And you must have killed a lot of Nazis, right?
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What does the Bible say? "Thou shalt not kill!"
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How can I know if it was to protect your country?
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Get a form from reception,
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go up to the fourth floor, room 305
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and they’ll look at your entire case –
who you killed, under what circumstances...
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Those are the rules – there's nothing I can do!
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Listen, I get you’d have preferred to die on the battlefield
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rather than in a car crash, but even if you'd died in the war,
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they still wouldn’t let you into Heaven
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as you haven’t met all the necessary requirements.
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This isn’t Valhalla, we shut that down centuries ago!
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– Look, I'm sorry to rush you, but could you hurry it up, I'm extremely late.
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– 5 rubles for the certificate and you're free to go.
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– 5 rubles? I’m dead for crying out loud!
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– Oh, don't be so dramatic!
(on the phone) And you too!
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Yep.
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It's fine, you can pay later.
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– So I can go now?
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– Yes, yes...
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There’s no need to shout, sir. I can hear you perfectly well.
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How many people were on the bus you were driving?
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Right. And did they all drown?
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You don’t know.
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I need to make sure that nobody has cursed you
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or wished you to burn in Hell, et cetera.
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Yes.
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Even if such a thought hasn't been vocalized,
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you won't be able to obtain your Heaven Permit.
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Yes.
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Well, if it makes you feel any better, the person
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who makes the curse isn't allowed in either.
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So both of you would end up in Hell together.
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Forget something?
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– Never mind.
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– Hold on one moment.
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Excuse me!
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Hold on, Yakunin. I've forgotten to take your cross.
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Simon, wait another minute, please.
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I forgot to take his cross.
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Hang on, this isn’t an Orthodox cross!
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– No, it’s Catholic.
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– Why is it Catholic?
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– Uh... because I’m a Catholic!
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– Oh dear...
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You’ve come to the wrong place.
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The Afterlife Bureau for Catholics is further up the beach.
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I can’t let you in with this form.
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Catholics have an entirely different form to fill in.
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– Another form?!
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Look, I’m the most devout person to have ever
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set foot in this bureaucratic purgatory!
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I lived my short and insignificant life as a proper Christian.
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I went to church every weekend,
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I never offered bribes to anyone.
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I never raised a hand to my wife, yet they managed
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to mess up the numbers in my passport three times,
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so I ended up dying in a crummy bus
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on the way to the passport office, so you know what?
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You can shove all your certificates up your ass!
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I’m going to Heaven without a single form! Just watch me!
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– Nicholas, can you hear me?
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– Yes.
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– Wonderful. I'm Dmitry, your doctor.
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You've survived clinical death and have been in a coma for 40 days.
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Do you remember what happened to you?
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– The driver, that son of a bitch...
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– Yes, that’s right. Now, I’m pleased to say you’re doing well
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and you’ve clearly got a strong will to live.
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It’s just we couldn’t find any ID on you.
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No passport or pension card. Just an expired insurance policy.
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Did you have any documents with you at the time of the accident?
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– I gave them all to Valentina.
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I thought I’d died...
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They made me deal with all this paperwork, forms...
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They wouldn’t let me into Heaven without a certificate.
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– Who wouldn’t? St.Peter?
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– St.Peter? No...
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Valentina!
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– Who’s Valentina?
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– I’m Valentina, Senior Clerk at the Afterlife Bureau.
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Have you resuscitated him?
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– Yes.
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– Very good.
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Nicholas,
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given your death was not biological
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I’ve had to revoke your application for a Heaven Permit.
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Since you’ve already been through the registration process,
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you'll need to submit a waiver.
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Form No.ORPL-2.
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You also need to submit two copies
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of your medical test results
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and pay a fee of 240 rubles,
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payable at any bank, for the services you’ve received.
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Then bring the receipt with a notarised
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invalid death certificate
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to our office by 12 p.m.
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Unfortunately, it’s too late for you to enter Heaven
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as 10 minutes ago the gates closed permanently,
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but your case will be automatically transferred
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to the offices of Beelzebul & Sons at midday tomorrow
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after which the Apocalypse will begin.
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If you have any questions about passing
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any of the nine circles of purgatory – here’s my business card.
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Goodbye for now!
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– The Apocalypse?
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So we’re all going to die tomorrow?
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Do you think they'll let you in with an expired insurance policy?
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Directed by Ilya Shudegov
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Camera
Ilya Shudegov
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Written by Ilya Shudegov
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Sound
Nikolai Kozhevnikov
Anna Alekseeva
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Produced by Anna Mal'shakova
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Assistant Director
Anna Semushina
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Starring
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Sergei Safronov
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Polina Pyatkina
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Ilya Shudegov
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Victor Matyutin
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Translated by Zac Cohan, Daniil Vasilyev, Chiara Paula Sandifer and Ekaterina Morilova © 2020