[Commissioned by]
[the Leningrad Oblast Committee of General and Vocational Education]
THE CHILD OF TWO FAMILIES
When we were taking Kirill in,
we already knew that his mother's parental rights
had been terminated
[Nina, Kirill’s adoptive mother]
and that she was in prison.
She is officially a single mother.
We knew Kirill had an elder brother and a sister,
and his mother had lost
her parental rights over them as well,
and they'd been adopted internationally.
[Lyudmila, Kirill’s birth mother] When they told me he'd been adopted,
my first thought was,
I gotta keep hold of him, you know,
I won't let him slip away,
I won't let them take him away from me
like my older kids.
The only thing that crossed my mind was:
I'll get into that family one way or another,
it was the first idea.
It was very hard to start communicating with his mother,
and I was reluctant to do it, I was really afraid.
At first, we started getting letters from Child Protective Services
asking us to send them some documents,
for instance, from his kindergarten or doctors.
I guessed that it was Lyudmila who had requested that information.
They asked me if I was ready to contact her.
Back then, I wasn't.
[Irina Shaposhnikova, educator, psychologist, adoptive parenting coach]
If foster parents think
that they are unable to maintain the kid's blood ties,
if they labour under the illusion
that they can start from scratch
for the child's benefit,
as they might think,
they deceive themselves
and are in deep water
because even the baby's memory
as a phenomenon
still contains some data
concerning their blood ties,
and it appears to be impossible
to neglect this phenomenon.
Kirill, my son, my sweetheart,
Honey!
How are you doing?
Son, tell me how you are, my darling!
Kirill, wishing you
a joyful and happy Easter!
Sweetheart, I am wishing you
good health!
May the coming year bring you
a lot of bright and happy days!
Lord bless you, my son!
Yours always, Mum.
I'd get those letters
and I had no idea how to react.
I was at a loss. On the one hand,
I was scared. On the other, I was jealous.
And then I started to think
that basically he wasn't my child.
He is not mine, he is someone...
he's been sent by God,
and he's just ended up living in my family.
And I started to wonder
if I had the right
to take charge of his destiny in that way.
You know, that thought seems to have consoled me.
I finally managed to accept it,
with tears and fits of hysterics,
I accepted it.
When I told Kirill he had a mother
and showed him her letters, we all burst into tears.
She is very smart and well-educated.
She's got a heart of gold.
She fully understood it, she did.
"Alright, Lyudmila", that's what she said.
At first she was cautious,
she says she's got her opinion.
I get it, I can totally understand her.
She says it didn't come easy, but anyway
she's never refused,
she's never told me I can't see him.
– Here we are...
– Look at my boy, skateboarding again,
you're skateboarding!
Come here. – That's the one I fell off.
– No lipstick on your ear? Nina, you see...
Hello! I've got this certificate. – Right, thank you.
[Tatyana Starikova, psychologist, adoption services expert]
When foster parents are ready
to interact with the biological family,
it is not only a sign of their competence,
but it also signals love towards their child.
As soon as they get attached to their children
and get to love them, they realise
how important it is to interact with their blood relatives.
[Lyudmila Petranovskaya, psychologist, educator, essayist]
But apart from some psychological aspects on the agenda,
we have to take into account some circumstances
related to a lack of assistance to foster families.
There is a lack of professional help in that field.
When it comes to the child's communication
with their blood relatives,
it is essential to provide them with support.
It's important to make sure foster parents are not left alone
when trying to tackle some problems.
You know, when Lyudmila was back
and we first met,
I felt a sense of relief.
I can't even explain why.
To start with, there was no more fear.
I could see she loved the kid
and she would only have
his interests at heart.
That's what really mattered.
So, I felt a sense of relief.
You know, when I look at Kirill,
I also see that he needs her.
He wants to be with her, he needs her.
If she hasn't called him for a while,
he gives her a call.
And they know what to talk about.
He needs his mother's love, you see?
– You'll get soaked without an umbrella! – It's OK, I'll just wait, don't worry!
– Mum, you could get under that roof, they'll let you do it!
– There's a coffee shop nearby.
I thought I'd... – How about we all go there, Nina?
– No, you take a walk, have a chat. – Nina, let's go there together!
– Come on! Let's make a dash for it!
There isn't much time left anyway.
Come on! – You might want to chat, to talk.
– Yeah, he is just in the mood for it!
I'll ask him a question or two,
we've got no secrets, no big deal.
[Irina Shaposhnikova, educator, psychologist, adoptive parenting coach]
Such relationships are unlikely to be covered by law,
because they are controlled
by a human factor,
which comes into play any minute,
because many people have no idea
how they will react to different situations.
But the only issue
that is regulated by law
is to provide children's safety.
If under the present circumstances
children run a psychological or physical risk
by communicating with their blood relatives,
then maintaining such relationships is out of the question.
It is essential that Adoption and Fostering Services
and Child Protective Services
make sure that the child is safe if it's possible.
Only then interpersonal communication can take place.
[Maria Fyodorova, adoptive mother]
There could be several kids in a family
and I firmly believe there could be several mums as well.
My second kid, I mean Elya,
who is also 17 now,
she's been with us since she was 9.
She moved in with us
because her mother was in prison.
[Elya, Maria’s adopted daughter]
Aunt Masha started looking for her straight away.
What I like is that she started looking
for the institution where mum was.
Then she tried to find the prison where she is now.
So she did, and we started to write her letters.
Mum answered them, and I wrote back.
Yeah, I sure missed her
because she is my birth mother.
So I wanted to see her
because I was afraid
I didn't remember her at all.
The way she looked,
her hair, her voice,
her looks, or her height –
there was nothing I could remember, and it was awful.
If a kid is moved around,
so to say, then it's hard
to become their mother so fast.
But if they had a birth mother
and they have a permanent foster mother now,
then it works out well – take Kolya, who is 20 now.
Nobody makes him call me Mum,
but he still does in all his internet posts.
He considers me to be his mum. I see it,
I feel it, if you can say that.
[Nikolai, Maria’s adopted son]
I never knew my father,
but I remember my mother.
How do I feel about her?
She's the woman who gave birth to me, period.
Yeah, she gave birth to me, she's my mother, that's it.
I don't remember any affection or tenderness, nothing.
Grandpa tried to show me my father,
where he used to live, he told me
I had a stepbrother or something,
but I couldn't care less.
I just don't give a damn about my father,
who he was, what he did, stuff like that.
I get there are kids
who have fathers, too.
At least they've met them, they know something about them.
Their fathers kind of played a role in their lives.
They may not be in close touch, but still the kids
visit their fathers or the other way round.
And for me, here's absolutely nothing, zilch.
I didn't have a father, so I didn't need one.
So, I get gigs cutting old people's hair
or sometimes guys from work ask me to trim theirs
for cheap, that's it.
It's just peanuts, but you gotta earn something.
I wanted to apply for a job as a guard at a warehouse.
I told them I had a record.
At first, they said I could come and fill in the form,
but then they turned me down, and I never got a call from them.
That's how it goes, Nina.
I'd tell him, "Kirill, honey, how about
living with me?" I asked him that question,
and that's what he said,
"Mummy, don't take it personally,
but I am settled here at my school, I've got friends,
everything works out well."
He explained it to me like an adult would.
I just looked at him, and he said,
"Please don't take it personally!
I promise to come and visit you at any time, agreed?
Once you've settled in
and I've grown up, then..."
These were his own words.
We talked one-to-one.
I didn't want anyone to see or to hear us,
I just wanted to see what was on his mind.
And he said, "Mum, no offence intended."
I am convinced that children
who have been taken into care
need to know whether they have a chance
to communicate with their blood relatives.
The point is that either foster parents accept it
and make an effort
to let the child become aware of that option
and help him nourish or, ideally, develop it.
Or they could try their best
to pretend that the child doesn't need it
because it's inconvenient for the adults
and they have to make a considerable effort.
Because it requires a certain emotional investment
and it is troublesome
and it wasn't part of their plan.
Once again, that's what I think:
I have adopted a child, I am raising him,
and I can't imagine a scenario
where he is 18 and my obligations expire
and I tell the kid, "Alright, farewell!
From now on you are on your own."
Unfortunately,
we see lots of examples
when foster parents
have broken the children's blood ties
with all their relations
and when they come of age, they are told,
"Now, you're an adult, follow your own path."
But leading where?
Where?
Translated by Ekaterina Morilova and Ilya Nikitichev, edited by Anastasia Esther and Inna Dmitrieva © 2020
[Produced by the Institute of Modern Cinema]
[St.Petersburg, 2018]